Etiquette

Manners and social know-how. Not about silverware or status, but about the small ways we make life easier for the people around us.

The principles

A short list. Almost everything else is application.

01
Make others comfortable, not impressed.
Everything else flows from this. If you remember nothing else, remember this.
02
Be on time.
Lateness says your time matters more than theirs. It doesn't.
03
Listen more than you speak.
Ask questions. Then ask follow-up questions. People remember how you made them feel, not what you said.
04
Never humiliate anyone, especially in public.
Correct privately, praise publicly. Winning an argument at someone's expense is losing.
05
Don't gossip.
If they'll talk about others to you, they'll talk about you to others. Be the person whose name comes up safely.
06
Keep your word.
If you said you would, do it. If you can't, say so early. Vague half-commitments are worse than a clean no.
07
Pay attention to those who can do nothing for you.
Staff, children, the elderly. How you treat them is who you actually are.
08
Hold your drink, your temper, and your phone.
Self-control in company is the foundation. Everything else is decoration.
09
Dress for the occasion, not for yourself.
Underdressing tells the host you didn't care. Overdressing makes others feel small. Match the room.
10
Don't show up empty-handed.
Wine, flowers, something for the kids, something homemade. The thought matters more than the value.
11
When in doubt, default to kindness.
You will rarely regret being kinder than the situation required.

Longer pieces on specific situations.

These principles are a distillation, not invention. The recurring wisdom in the books below.

Cicero, On Duties (De Officiis), 44 BC.
The bedrock: why we owe each other manners at all.
Baldassare Castiglione, The Book of the Courtier, 1528.
The origin of the Western gentleman ideal; coined sprezzatura.
Lord Chesterfield, Letters to His Son, 1774.
Sharp, worldly advice from a father; still uncannily current.
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.
On self-mastery and conduct in company.
Epictetus, Discourses and Enchiridion.
Stoic foundations for self-control.
Debrett's, A-Z of Modern Manners.
The British reference book; closer to Irish conventions than American guides.
Emily Post, Etiquette (current edition).
The most comprehensive modern reference, even where US-specific.
Brett & Kate McKay, The Art of Manliness.
Accessible modern restatement; the free site archives are extensive.

More articles on hosting, conversation, dress, and the rest are coming.